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How to go through a Parent’s Belongings- After they Die

How to Go Through A Parent’s Belongings- After they die.

Read My Story or Scroll below for tips.

If you recently lost someone, you know that random things are going to come popping out of your mouth for the next few days, weeks months. And that’s okay. So, I thought I would once more share my thoughts on how I felt when my Mom died. If you want to read them, you can, or you can jump down the page to where I start sharing tips on how to go through your parent’s things. What worked for me, and some ideas for what will work for you. And a side note to say, I am sorry for you loss. It really hurts to lose someone you love, and I am sad you are going through that.

I still remember the day last March when my Mom died. It was at the start of the pandemic, and the world felt weird. I told my two college age kids who had been laid off, and my Mom who was retired that if we got the entire weeks’ worth of chores completed over the weekend, we could have a Star Wars Binge Watching Marathon. We all worked during the weekend to get everything done. Monday at 3 we sat down to start a weeklong movieathon of Star Wars! We watched through the first movie, where I realized I do not really like jar jar Binks, and then I said we should take a stretch and bathroom break before starting the next movie.

My Mom was Healthy And Happy

Everything seemed fine one minute, and the next it was not. My Mom who was 79 and in decent health for her age, walked across the house, used the bathroom, walked into her room, and started coughing up blood. I had my two sons help her into the car. Our address is rural and had been told for years that it was much faster in our community to put someone in the car and drive to the hospital, than to wait for an ambulance. So, my daughter jumped in the seat behind my Mom, I yelled out the window to my boys to make pancakes for dinner and took off full speed for the hospital.

Hospital Photo

As we were driving, my Mother’s breathing changed to a rattle. I knew that this likely meant that she was dying. I asked my daughter to lay hands on her and pray for her as we drove, and I silently prayed for strength to endure what was likely happening. During this drive, my Mom noticed as she fell in and out of lucidity that I was tailgating the car ahead of me. And she uttered her last words, “Jen, don’t follow too close”. I told her that I was not following to close and was being safe, but in truth I do not remember much of the drive. I just remember the overwhelming feeling that my Mom was dying.

We Arrived at the Hospital

When we arrived at the hospital, I sent my daughter into the new triage entry way that had been set up due to Covid-19 requirements. During these moments where help was so critical, we waited for help. When it finally arrived in the hospital parking lot, it was too late. I had just stroked my Mom’s arm telling her I was with her and everything would be okay as I held her hand. When the nurse arrived, I shared the details of the situation, and she tried to get my Mom out of the car. One moment I looked at my Mom and she was my Mom, the next, she was a shell. I realized in that moment that she was now in Heaven. And the next moment, I realized I was alone.

Over the next half hour, the hospital worked to resuscitate my Mom. I knew she was gone. The nurses and staff kept coming to the waiting room, I was the only family member allowed into the hospital because of Covid Restrictions. Apparently, instead of making pancakes my two sons had driven to the hospital and were outside with my daughter. My oldest son spent time calling various church members to pray, phoning my sister who had recently moved to LA, my brother who had moved to Idaho the week before, and my oldest daughter who lived in Southern California.

I wanted the Staff to Tell me the Difficult News

The hospital staff kept brining me water, holding my hand, saying kind words. They kept asking what they could do to help and finally, I told them. I said the thing that you can do to best help me right now is to say the words, “Your Mother is dead”. In my spirit, I knew that she was, I had looked into her eyes. I knew it, I wanted them to say it so that I could move on with starting the grief process. They ushered me into the chapel, and then went and brought my kids in to the chapel. We waited another ½ hour for the news we knew was coming. She was gone.

Chapel

My oldest son went with me to “see” my Mom. I immediately put my hand on her head to give a comforting stroke of her hair. Out loud, I said, “Oh Mama” and then I realized once again, as I would for days and weeks to come, that was no longer my Mom, she was gone. I looked and my son and said, “Grandma is not here”. He looked at her and agreed, bent down, and kissed her cheek and we left.

And the First Wave of Grief Hit

My daughter and I started the drive home and about halfway there, I had to pull over as wave after wave of sobs came over me. The trauma of it all. The loss. The sadness. The immediate loneliness at the loss of my lifelong best friend. Wishing we could have saved her. And wishing my brother and sister had not moved away. Wishing that my oldest daughter lived closer. And wishing that I had been a better daughter. Wishing that I had more time with her. And wishing that I had not complained about Jar Jar Binks….and about 100 other things as waves of grief washed over me again and again.

Grief

Then I took a few breaths, drove home, and forced my shocked family to make pancakes. No one wanted to eat, I do not think anyone did eat, but we made pancakes. I wanted somehow for the life, the plans, our world to continue. But it did not. Over the next few days my sister and daughter arrived, we went through a few of my Mom’s things, we made plans to someday have a funeral when the pandemic was over, we started writing the obituary, and we cried, and we remembered, and we laughed, and we cried.

You Will Want to Tell Your Story

As I said, if you recently lost someone you love, you will want to tell the story sometimes, and sometimes you will not. Today I wanted to. I had many good people in my life who would listen when I wanted to laugh and cry and talk and remember. And, I hope that you have those people as well. I highly recommend looking up a few articles on the stages of grief online, so that you will have an idea of what is ahead. It really helped me to know what was coming, and how to walk through it.

How to Go Through A Parent’s Belongings- After they die.

Steps for Going through a Parent’s Belongings

Time heals all wounds. It really does. My Mom was a “Keeper” and loved an abundance of things. From Photos to dolls to knick knacks to books to art supplies and Sunday School Curriculum. I knew that I would have a large task ahead of me in going through her things. But I made a plan and kept it. My plan and how it worked for me is what I will share below and I hope that some form of it works for you as well as you go through your parents belongings.

Set Rules for yourself

It is really important to set rules for yourself if you are the main person going through your loved one’s items. Others might think you should do things differently, on a different timeframe, in a different way. Maybe they think you are letting go of too much or keeping to many items. Sit down when you are alone and write out the rules you will follow. The framework below will help as a starting point. Think it through, and if you are a praying person pray. One of the decisions that I made early on was that I was going to make three “passes” through my Mom’s things. My Mom and I had lived together with my children for 25 years, so I knew most of what she had, and it was also in my home which made it a little easier.

Do not let anyone force you to say goodbye to things that really matter to you.

The reason that I decided to make three “passes” through my Mom’s things were that I was not sure what would really matter when all was said and done. After all, I was in deep grief. This is what my “passes” looked like:

               Pass one-

Quick go through of Clothes, drawers, and books. I sent most of her clothing to the charity thrift store but kept a blouse because I wanted to be able to smell it. True story. It’s totally weird to some, but I wanted to, so I did. I should also say I still have a sweater from each of my grandparents and every 10 years or so take them out and smell them, and cry, and laugh, and remember. During pass one I let go of all the easy stuff.

Trash- Threw Away

Medicine- Dropped off at the pharmacy

Clothes- Sent to the Thrift Store

Books- Gave books I didn’t want to keep to friends who liked the types of books she liked.

Magazines- Donated

               Pass Two-

More in depth go through of everything. During this pass I went deeper into her memory items, photos, and lifelong treasures. As I said my Mom was a keeper, so she had a lot of items from her life, My Dad’s life, and grandparents and great grandparents. I had started going through photos with my Mom earlier in the year and you can read 6 Steps to Declutter old Photos Here. During pass two I started focusing more on letting go of things, planning to honor things I wanted to keep, and sending things to my siblings and family that would be important to them.

Sent Baby Books and Baby Blankets to siblings

Let go of easy Jewelry that would not go to family members

Organized Christmas Items and Memorabilia, and let go of items that were broken beyond repair,

Went through all Sunday School Curriculum, Art supplies, and Teaching Supplies and culled, organized, and sent some to Thrift.

Sent Siblings books, Jewelry, and Memorabilia that would really matter to them.

               Pass Three-

This has been the hardest pass.

During Pass three, I made final decisions, as well as completed the process. If you make a three phased plan, than as you begin phase three you will be faced with the realization again, than this is it. Your loved one is truly gone, and when you have finished going through their items, a portion of your grief will be marked as done. I don’t mean to say that you will be finished grieving. I mean that as you go through it you will be faced with the realization that this project is coming to a completion, and you will need to go on, without them.

During phase three I made final decisions about:

Family heirloom jewelry. Some I sent to family, Some I kept, Some I had appraised to sell, and some I kept in a family chest with notes on where it came from, it’s value, and who owned it.

Letters and notes- My family has always been big on writing letters for generations. I organized family letters into protective sheets and placed them in scrap books with photos of the family member who wrote them, and received them.

Old Deeds- Our family has always saved old Deeds of trusts, so I decided to do this as well. I organized the deeds and quit claims and placed them in a file with the photos of those who signed them. I believe they tell the story of the migration of my family, and think its cool.

Collections- With several generations of family items, I had to decide which items to keep. I reduced collections to only a few items each, and discarded broken or dissolving items. And put the rest in marked bins.

Don’t wait too long to get started

When someone you love dies there is a certain amount of trauma involved. You body goes into a form a shock, and I have always felt that you had a layer of insulation put over you to help deal with the loss. This slowly wears off over time. I always tell people not to make major decisions right after a death. Don’t decide to change jobs, sell a house, give away the family’s most priceless keepsakes. But at the same time, you do need to get started. And the best day to start is today. Write out what you will go through on your first “easy” pass (oh, and none of it is easy on some days) and get started. Ask a friend or family member to help, or do it alone. I did a little of both.

Give yourself permission to let go of things

As I mentioned my Mom was a keeper. She had a lot of stuff. Specifically, 16 bookshelves of books, drawers of jewelry, and a whole closet full of teaching and Sunday School Curriculum. She also had loads of other memories that she kept throughout life. Like the favor from almost every wedding ever!

I think its important at this point to realize that somethings are really important to people when they are alive, and you can throw them away the minute they are gone. And some things are important after death. Example, my Mom loved having loads of magazine clippings of “ideas”. She told me about a month before her death that I could throw them all away when she was gone, she would not care a bit, but to please take good care of her wedding rings because they meant so very much to her, she hoped they would mean a lot to me.

During the first pass I threw away all magazines and 95% of clippings with no challenge. But with things like old family year books, I had to give myself permission to let go. Side note, my brother sister and I decided when all was said and done that we would carefully cut out the pages of year books of our parents and grandparents year books, and any other pages they were on or special memories written in them and add them to a scrapbook, and throw the rest of the book away. There is not right or wrong answer with these things, do what you feel is right.

Share with the rest of the family

Things are only things; they are not the people that we loved. As you go through your loved one’s items, share the love and memories. While going through the second pass of my Mom’s things (which included my Dad’s and Grandparents and Great Grandparents things) I would send loads of photos to my Brother and Sister and Children letting them know what various items were and asking if one of them wanted the items. I also asked my family if there was something special that really mattered to them that they wanted. I then had a few boxes in my Mom’s room and I added items to the box as family said they wanted something. When the boxes were full, I would send them off. I loved knowing that family members would have items they really felt were special memories of my Mom’s.

At the same time, don’t feel guilted into keeping everything because no one else wants it. There were quite a few items over time that my brother or sister would say they didn’t want to have, but they wanted me to keep it because someone should. No. I was keeping the things that were most special memories, really important to my Mom, and shared our family history. And that was all, if someone else did not want to care for the item in their home, I let them know I was letting it go. I wanted to know that the items that I had really mattered and I was not just keeping them for the sake of holding on.

Keep weird things if they really matter to you.

Now, I say weird, and I am not meaning to be offensive, but somethings are just kind of weird to keep to someone other than you. But if they really matter keep them, if they don’t let them go. For instance, we have a 150-year-old woven hair bracelet. It is an antique, an art history piece, and really cool. I will always keep that. Years ago, National Geographic magazine did an article on hair weaving. It’s really beautiful, and even more cool because it is made of my great, great grandmothers’ hair. It is weird, but a keeper.

What is not a keeper is the 3 other bags of hair that my Mom saved, and her Mom before her of other hair that could be made into a bracelet if we found an artisan that still practiced the art. Some of the hair was my sisters, but some was over 100 years old. I tossed that.

Some things are weird, but you want to keep them

You will find as you go through your loved one’s things that somethings are weird, but you want to keep them. Do it. I have a few grocery lists that my Mom wrote. She was an avid list writer, and I love seeing her handwriting and remembering her lists. I have a few checks from my grandparent’s estates, I love seeing their handwriting and how it changed over their lifetime. I have an old paper of my dads that shows computer language in his writing. As a computer scientist from way back, I love that my Dad spoke several languages…most of them computer languages. Keepers!

Other’s might think these things are weird, but I think they are cool. I am not keeping all of them, but a few of each to look at and remember and hold in my hands.

Time

Take your time

You will have an internal timeline that tells you when you need to step away, and when you need start back up. For instance, some days I would go in my Mom’s room and spend 10 minutes, sometimes my family would find me hours later teary and filled with wonderful memories. Going through a Parent or Loved Ones things is a part of the grieving process. It can be hard, but it can also bring up so many good memories, laughs, and yes, tears. Take the time you need, go at a good pace, and when you need to step away, step away. Self-care is really important when you have lost someone.

Honor what you keep

One of the decisions I made early on, was that I was going to honor everything I personally kept. So, if I were keeping dolls, I would get a shadow box for them. If I were keeping jewelry, I would have it inspected, repaired, sized, and wear it. If I were keeping books, they would be books I would read. When my Mom died, she had boxes of items from my Dad and her Parents and Grandparents. I decided that I did not want to keep things in boxes. If it was important enough to keep, it was important enough to honor.

And honoring things can take different forms. My Mother had a well-loved, well played with collection of Madame Alexander dolls from the 1940’s and her childhood. Since childhood, they had been kept in a box and moved from house to house. When my sister and I were little my Mom would occasionally bring them out on a rainy day, or if we were home sick from school. But they had not been seen since. My children never played with them, and in the boxes they sat.

I brought the dolls out

One day soon after my Mom passed away, I brought the dolls out which were decaying with age. The bands that once held their arms and legs were fraying, brittle hair was starting to fall out, and clothing yellowed with age and memories. I put them on the table, and my 6-year-old granddaughter asked if she could play with them. I said yes, they were grammies. She smiled and started playing.

A few hours later my son walked in and was shocked that she was playing with heirlooms. He was worried they could break and did not think it was honoring my Mom to allow them to be touched. I told him I could not think of a better way for My Mom’s doll collection to be honored than for them to be loved and played with and young hands could use them to craft new stories and adventures.

Whatever you choose to keep, honor it in the best way possible. If it is worth keeping it is worth using.

Things will look different later

Know that as you go through grief, things will look different later. By the time I got to the third pass through my Mom’s things, I realized I had kept too many things that did not really matter to me. None of them would bring her back, and they were making it harder to access and showcase the things that really did matter.

For instance, my Mom had a set of Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer stuffed toys from the 1940’s. She had loved them her whole life and they were threadbare and adorable. My sister reached out and said that she wanted one. That it really mattered to her to be able to have one under her tree. I said okay and sent her one. But thought I am keeping the other, there is no way I am giving it to my brother, so he better not ask. LOL. Apparently, I thought it would really matter to me.

But when Christmas rolled around my sister called to say she had put hers out under her tree. I saw the remaining Rudolph and realized that if my brother wanted it, he could have it.

Celebrate and find people who will celebrate with you

This is a huge and final part to letting go of a parent or loved one’s things after they die. Find someone who will celebrate with you. I wanted to spend some time remembering and celebrating what a wonderful Mom I had and how awesome she was. So, I found family members who would let me show them things that sparked memories, tell long stories, and celebrate. Because of the pandemic we were never able to have a memorial service, so when my brother came to visit in the Fall, I told him I needed him to watch home movies with me.

My sister is much younger than us. I knew that my brother would be the only person who would be able to remember being with our grandparents in those moments. Who was there watching my Dad race his car around Laguna Seco raceway. And remembered how much my Mom loved riding horses on the ranch as a child. He would be able to play, “is that Aunt Jo or Aunt Rose” with me, and laugh, and remember, and celebrate.

I also spent a lot of time on the phone and texting memories with my sister, and as Christmas approached we both shared days of tears and joy as we remembered. Around Christmas we all spent time at our various houses, separated by miles, but making our family Ebelskiever Tradition live on and then sharing the pictures and recipes we used. And we celebrated.

I also had dear friends at church, several who had recently lost loves ones as well. Sometimes just talking, a quick text, or an I know how you feel, or an I loved your Mom too made my day. Such a blessing.

It Takes a Long Time

If you are starting on this journey of grief know that it takes a long time, and there is a lot of “work” to do, but you will get the work done, and you will heal in time. Soon, there will be a day when you realize you didn’t get teary. Then you will realize you lived through a whole week without thinking that you need to call them and tell them something. And eventually, you will watch someone else grieve the loss of a loved one and you will realize that your grief has subsided, and you are now ready to help others on their journey of grief.

Having just taken this journey of grief myself, I wish you cleansing tears, joy filled laugh, and lots of breathing. You will make it through, I know because I did. And, if you don’t have anyone to share your story with, message me on facebook. I would be glad to have a chat and listen to your story of grief.

How to Go Through A Parent’s Belongings- After they die.

You can read about my letting go of something that belonged to my Dad 20 years after his death here. And 6 steps to declutter old photos here.

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